


low in the water

by i_was_human



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Character Study, Introspection, Pre-Canon, Song: Lifeboat (Heathers), Songfic, Trainee, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 19:01:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: everyone's pushingeveryone's fightingstorms are approachingthere's nowhere to hideif i say the wrong thingor i wear the wrong outfitthey'll throw me right over the side-lifeboat, heathers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	low in the water

_**i float in a boat** _  
_**in a raging black ocean** _  
_**low in the water** _  
_**and nowhere to go** _

they're all in this together.

that's most of the problem, youngjoon thinks. 

they're all hanging in this _ether_ together, all of them in the same endless ocean, and they all know only five - ten, if they're lucky - of them will make it to debut, but they're all just sitting there, letting it simmer.

letting it hang.

he knows things are changing - people are getting older, getting scared, realizing their time is running out and despite what they've always wanted, they've sold their soul to the wrong buyer - and he's among them, fear pounding in his chest in time with the bass of the music.

he's a dancer - trained to be - but the slowly-rising water tugs his feet down, and when he closes his eyes, he can hear the distant roar of an impending wave - that of failure, always waiting to envelop him and drag him down, down, down to the ocean floor and keep him there - and breathing always comes as a struggle, like this, water filling his lungs and nothing but _fear_ filling his mind, so he tries to time his breathing with the metronome ticking in his head and struggles to remember what moving is.

this alone should get him thrown off, he thinks. 

_**the tiniest lifeboat** _  
_**with people i know** _

they all know each other.

that's the thing about being around someone since you've been a child - you _know them_. you get to know them, or you get to know of them, and so you know things about them that they never intended people to do.

it's this that makes elimination days hurt worse.

for all they're not friends, youngjoon's heart still aches when someone he's trained with for years gets sent home, still aches when he sees their things gone from the dorms, but at the same time, there's relief there - _it's not me, this time_.

nobody would blame him for thinking that.

he hates it regardless. 

but then again, kindness is a rarity here. kindness comes in the form of silent gestures, of someone sharing a roll of bandages or a pain pill, not in the form of actual, genuine friendship, and the few who try give up very, very quick.

youngjoon's learned this, in his three years training here.

don't befriend the competition. much as loneliness may claw at his ribs, much as he may want to, he can't.

not if he wants any kind of future.

(he knows some trainees find this in each other. make friends and leave for other places. that's never been him.

call it cowardice, but he's far too afraid of leaving and finding out he never measured up to begin with.)

__  
_**cold, clammy, and crowded** _  
_**the people smell desperate** _  
_**we'll sink any minute** _  
_**so someone must go** _

someone else is gone.

someone else is gone, another name crossed off the boards, and youngjoon stares down at his aching feet, the distant roar of the sea growing ever-louder.

he can hear people talking - hushed, in the way they always are after a round of eliminations - and his heart pounds in his chest, a harsh _t-tmp t-tmp t-tmp_ that pushes him forwards just like the pounding of the bass against the laminate, and the water's rising in his lungs, threatening to drown him, and he is _so, so scared_.

someone shouts something, storms out of the room and slams the door, and youngjoon curls in on himself, trying to make all six foot two of himself into a tiny, tiny ball.

is it wrong to say he's scared?

he doesn't have a back-up plan - never has - and he dove into this without thinking about anything, and now he's lost in the middle of the ocean, cold and freezing, and the only thing left is to find a lifeboat or drown. 

he digs his nails into his hands, keratin leaving jagged crescent moons on his palms, and he curls in tighter, as if he can protect himself from the world.

he can't.

he knows this, of course.

friends become enemies and enemies stay enemies and there's no room for _real_ _camaraderie_ here at xr. 

at least, not unless you're a fool.

and youngjoon - for all his teachers called him one - has at least known to shut up and focus when it counts.

after all, you can float with someone, but it won't help you get to the lifeboat any sooner, and it certainly won't help when the massive wave of _failure_ looms overhead. 

_**the tiniest lifeboat** _  
_**with the people i know**_ __

kindness just gets you hurt.

youngjoon throws his head back against the closet once more, a pained hiss escaping his lips, because he fucked up his ankle but he gave the new trainee a pain pill, so now he has nothing and he's going to perform badly tomorrow, and he was _stupid_.

so, so stupid.

kindness doesn't help anyone. never has here. they're all searching for the same lifeboat in this black, black sea, pushing and fighting to get to it before the wave swallows them all. if you let someone go ahead of you, you'll never make it on.

he hardens his heart, just like he always pretends to.

he promises to stop showing kindness, promises to stop doing favors, but he knows it's a promise in vain, knows he'll just break it again, _knows_ he's going to fuck everything up just because of his bleeding heart, and that sticks in his chest and _aches_.

he's making so, so many mistakes.

he's making so many mistakes when even one is enough to drag him down to the ocean floor and drown him. 

he has to be better. be stronger, be better, _do better_ , because if he can't struggle back to the surface, he doesn't deserve to be there.

everyone knows that much, at least.

youngjoon would like to call himself a realist, in that regard. an idealist in everything else, but entirely certain as to people's expectations.

as he is now - someone incapable of swimming to the surface - he's never going to be enough. 

_**everyone's pushing** _  
_**everyone's fighting** _  
_**storms are approaching** _  
_**there's nowhere to hide** _

they announce sa1nt.

it's a new group. five members.

five slots.

they don't have to say it'll be the last boy group for years to come. they all hear it. they all know. they're not fools, after all.

it's like throwing a piece of meat into a hungry pile of wolves. they all converge, tearing each other apart for it, and sabotage becomes the new norm.

his sneakers get hidden. his breakfast gets stolen. they all eye each other with shifty, hungry eyes, nobody caring much for the high ground when _everything_ is at stake. 

everything changes so, so quickly.

the first slot goes. it's to someone who's only been a trainee for a year.

the wolves get so, so much hungrier. 

_**if i say the wrong thing** _  
_**or i wear the wrong outfit** _  
_**they'll throw me right over the side** _

"you can do better," one of the instructors tells him, and youngjoon can hear the _"if you get a chance"_ hanging in the air between them. and that's the _thing_ , isn't it - he might not get a chance. might not have any other chance to make it in.

this could be the end.

so he shuffles back over to the wall in his worn-out sneakers and too-small tank-top and tries to avoid the stares, the laughter, and his heart aches in his chest, mind warring between revenge and some sort of nonexistent kindness.

it doesn't matter, in the end.

it doesn't matter, because he's standing there in his worn-out sneakers and his clothing that his mother got him years ago, and he can hear the distant wave growing so, so much louder, looming over him and casting him in shadow, and his failure is so, so close now, and if he's lucky, the riptide won't carry him too far away.

 _one more chance_ , he repeats, pressing his face into his bruised knees. _just one more chance. let me try one more time._

but the ocean is cruel and harsh and empty, so he expects nothing.

( _"ninety five percent of the ocean is unexplored"_ , his brain prattles, _"and there could be anything down there"_.

with youngjoon's luck, he'll be torn apart by sharks.)

 _**i'm hugging my knees  
** _ _**and the captain is pointing  
** _ _**well, who made her captain?  
** _ _**still, the weakest must go** _

he sees the slot boy standing at the door the next day.

dark hair, dark eyes - there's a fire to his posture - and as youngjoon watches, he points at him, expression giving nothing away.

what he wouldn't give to be able to do that. to conceal, to hide the truth, to keep things far, far under the surface.

the dance instructor grabs his wrist, yanking him out of formation, and he stumbles forwards, shoes squeaking loud on the laminate, and he's sure everyone's looking, everyone hears, but all he can think is _why would they do this in the middle of the day?_

it's a bit merciful, if he thinks about it. time to pack without having to see anyone.

time to think about what he's going to tell his parents once he gets home.

they march him down the corridor, take him to the ceo's office, and dark-eyes tells them he wants youngjoon to be a part of the debut group, and his hands brush a rope at last.

it feels like being hauled out of the ocean at long last (though he's no fool, knows this is just going to be another much darker, much deeper ocean and they'll have to build their own raft or drown) but god, he's so glad to get out, so glad to be able to _breathe_ through the water filling his lungs.

 _"you've got a lot of work to do,"_ they all tell him, and he inscribes this on his heart - the payment for pulling him out of the ocean.

_work harder._

_always, always work harder._

_**the tiniest lifeboat** _  
_**full of people i know** _  
_**the tiniest lifeboat** _  
_**full of people i know** _

people avoid him in the halls.

people avoid him in the halls, the cafeteria, even when he's going back to the trainee dorms to pick up his things. they all avoid him - the mark of a dead man walking seemingly engraved on his skin.

of course, even once he stays, the avoidance doesn't stop.

no - resentment can wither away even the best of relationships, and youngjoon has never been friends - _will never_ be friends, he doesn't think, because even in this idol group, they're competing just the same - but the water's turned from saltwater to something more like tar, and this, at least, is warm.

he may not have friends, and he may just be sinking slower, but at least for the moment, he can breathe.

they add more and more trainees, and they start working, and youngjoon has to work harder, be better, do better, and the distant roar of the ocean fills his ears in each moment of silence, an admonishment - _you promised to always work harder, but you're wasting time_ \- and try as he might, it never goes away. 

nothing he does is ever enough.

but at least he's successful, hey? he's working hard, and he's getting results, and he's _doing something_ , not just waiting to drown, so he just has to work harder to keep his head above water. 

right?

right.

(it's not enough. never has been, never will be, and even if they're on top of the world, nothing he can do will ever be enough to pay back the debt that's crushing him slowly, slowly, an old mantra engraved in his heart never daring to heal.)

but in a sick, twisted way - c'est la vie. he chose this over the ocean, chose this over staring up at a massive black wave of bitter, bitter failure, and anything's better than that.

right?

(right?)

**Author's Note:**

> song used is lifeboat, from heathers
> 
> leave a comment if you want to!
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


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